Paul Mad! Paul Smash!

A Trinitarian Christ-centered paraphrase of Galatians 1

(NOTE:  My pastors are preparing to preach through Galatians, and they’ve asked me to write a paraphrase for them to use.  But I’ll get back to Romans soon, I promise! – JS)

From: BroPaul [, SMTP:jesus.trinity.div/resurrected=TRUE;  father.trinity.div=TRUE;];

To: All Users (Galatia) [mailto:AllUsers@galatia.trinity.div]

Subject: RE: Eating lunch next to people with non-surgically-altered wangs

(3) Hey guys, I hope this message finds you feeling secure and relaxed in our Papa’s warm embrace.  I hope you are feeling the soul-peace of Master Jesus, (4) who has set the human race free by injecting his own glorious self into our darkness, pain, and death.  This was the mission given to him by his Papa, (5) OUR Papa of boundless joy and strength forever.

(6) Okay, enough of pleasantries.  On to business…

I am SO pissed-off about what I am hearing about you — that you are abandoning reality, that you’ve given up on the gospel.  WTF!?!  You’ve turned your back on THE STORY of how Jesus has included us in his life with Papa in the Spirit.  Instead you have cast yourself as a character in another story altogether, (7) a story that ends in tragedy, a story that’s not even true!  Some Used-Religion salesmen have come to sell you lemon-gospels about who you are and who God is, and YOU BOUGHT IT!!!

(8) How could you let this happen?!? It’s wonderful to have an open mind, but that doesn’t mean letting any old schmuck fill your brain with toxic waste!  You know better than to ever let ANYONE do that.  You know the gospel; you know it in your SOUL.  Don’t you let anyone take that away from you, EVER.  Even if I myself come to you and tell you things that contradict the gospel, do NOT listen to me! If a freakin’ ANGEL materializes in your midst and starts telling you lies while fanning you with his wings, don’t listen to him either!  (9) The gospel is the gospel, and that’s that.  If someone tries to convince you that you have to earn Papa’s embrace, do NOT let their delusion become yours.  SCREW THAT.

(10) I know these are harsher words than you are used to hearing from me, but right now I don’t care whether you like what I say or not.  I’m not going to just tell you whatever you want to hear.  If I cared what people thought of me, I’d have to serve someone other than Jesus.

(11) Guys, I want you to understand where I’m coming from, so I’m going to tell you the story of my journey with the gospel, (12) the good news I received not from any mere human storyteller, but from Master Jesus himself.

(13) Of course you already know of my earlier life of militant religiosity.  Back then, my whole life was my jihad against the Jesus freaks. (14) I was a religious Superman, head and shoulders above everyone.  I was an on-fire spirit-filled Bible-thumping prayer warrior:  “Gimme dat old-time re-lig-ion, it’s good e-nuff for me!

(15) But my Papa had different plans for me.  Out of the sheer kindness of his great heart, he invited me onto a new journey with him. (16) He revealed his Son to me, so that I could tell the whole world about him.

But notice what I did at that point:  Contrary to what you may have heard, I did NOT go ask somebody to confirm what Papa had revealed to me. (17) I didn’t go up to Jerusalem to see if the “super-apostles” agreed with me.  Instead, I headed straight into the Arabian desert, and then after my time there, I returned to my home in Damascus.  (18) And only then, after three years did I take a trip to Jerusalem for a chat with Peter.  I stayed with him for 2 weeks, (19) and in that time I didn’t see anybody else except for Jesus’ brother James. (20) I swear to God, this is the truth. (21) Then I went to Syria and Cilicia, (22) but the churches in Judea still had no idea who I was. (23) All they knew was the rumor: “That guy who was trying to destroy the faith is now preaching it!” (24) People were grateful and amazed at what Papa had done with me.

~ John Stonecypher

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